Sunday, September 30, 2007

how if sports isn't important, then why am i completely devastated

this is going to be the longest of winters.

i don't even have the heart to watch the giants-eagles game tonight, in fear of another emotional stabbing.

Friday, September 28, 2007

how it's a good tihng i'm not in new york right now

because there would have been a good chance i'd be on the 59th street bridge, fighting for space on the ledge with the rest of the other mets fans.

they've pushed us to that.

i hate this.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

how i'm actually pitying the fool

ummm...yeah.

don't know what else to add to this.

oh wait. here's something.

how we need any sort of uplift we can get nowadays

from my brother: "instead of being sour about the mets today, i used this classic movie clip to cheer me up. it always works."

yes, mike. that helped. and to that, i add this to the mixture.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

how i fear that it's just too late to turn this around

all summer long, met fans have heard that smug attitude from our management, when we weren't playing hard and the bullpen wasn't getting guys out, that smug attitude of willie randolph when he would say, "it's okay, we're still four games up". but it was obvious that things were not okay, and we were fortunate that the phillies and braves were just as incompetent.

it was too complacent. from the outside, we all saw the danger signs.

and now, it's too late. we should have tried philip humber and mike pelfrey in the bullpen to see what they've got and to give us innings (instead of tiring out the retreads we have right now in an effort for them to "find themselves"). we should have benched players when they slagged off instead of "it's okay, it's a long season and we're still in first place, they'll get through it". we should have tinkered. we should have prodded. we should have experimented.

now, it's too late. and we're still sending guillermo mota out there, hoping he'll figure it out. but he won't. he sucks. period. how much proof do we need?

humber should have gotten his feet wet in july in the bullpen, instead of throwing him out there in late september in the thick of a pennant race.

we should have seen what collazo and muniz could do in august.

we should have pressured jobs.

we shouldn't have sat still and found solace in our fortunate position.

instead, the "it's okay, we're still in first place" complacency set in. and now i fear it's too late. the arms are tired and there's no answers anymore.

i just had to get that off my chest.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

how i wish i read this in dc comics

there's a good death.

there's even a bad death.

and then there's a death that you would see in an issue of "batman", although without adam west's comedic stylings.

seriously, what an awful way to go. especially since he's not coming back with supervillain powers.

how i can't make any sense out of this junk mail

Dear Friend,

HELLO, STRANGER.

I am Mr. Robert Schock, I work with the Chartered National Bank as an account officer in the Treasury/Credit Control Unit. I was the accounting officer of a national of your country, who died with his wife and their only son, after they were involved in a car accident.

WHAT IS A NATIONAL OF MY COUNTRY? CAN YOU PLEASE CLEAR THIS UP? "NATIONAL" MEANS "OF A NATION", AND "COUNTRY" MEANS "NATION". SO YOU WERE A "NATIONAL OF YOUR NATION" OR A "COUNTRYMAN OF YOUR COUNTRY"? ALREADY, I CLAIM SHENANIGANS.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the assets and Capital valued at 25,540.000.00 Million Pounds left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the share holders of this Bank, so that they can share his funds as dividends amongst themselves.

SO WEIRD. I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT MY MOTHER AND FATHER DIVORCED, AND THAT MY MOTHER AND FATHER DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT. AND THAT MY FATHER IS NO LONGER WITH US. PROBABLY FROM SOME SORT OF OTHER HORRIBLE TRAGEDY. LIKE BEING TASERED, BRO.

I JUST TALKED TO THEM. SO WEIRD.

The Bank has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next fourteen official working days. Because as at the time of his demise I was his accounting officer, but have since been promoted to the position of Treasury/Credit Control Unit, ever since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for sometime now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you. Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss modalities for transfer.

SO...THESE PEOPLE DIED IN A FIERY WRECK, YOU CAN'T FIND THEIR NEXT OF KIN, SO YOU, IN THE NEWLY MINTED POSITION OF TREASURY/CREDIT CONTROL UNIT, DECIDE TO DO AN "INTERNET SEARCH", I GUESSED TYPED IN MY LAST NAME AND FOUND ME. ALTHOUGH YOU HAVE NO IDEA IF I AM NEXT OF KIN. BUT THE INTERNET DOESN'T LIE, SO WHAT THE HELL, RIGHT? THAT'LL HOLD UP IN COURT, YES? AND WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE DECEASED'S LAST NAME WERE JACKSON? WOULD MICHAEL GET THIS E-MAIL? OR SIMPSON?

As soon as I recieve an acknowledgement of your acceptance, I will furnish you with the necessary modalities

MODALITIES? NICE.

of the transaction. I assure you that this transcaction is 100% risk free, and as soon as we succeed in getting this funds to your account, The money will be shared on a 50, 50 basis...............

LONG DRAMATIC PAUSE. GOT IT

I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

YES. FINDING ME UNDER AN INTERNET SEARCH IS A LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT. I FIND SOLACE IN YOUR GUARANTEE.

I am waiting to hear from you soon.

GOOGLE ME.

Best regards,

Robert Schock.

Monday, September 24, 2007

how i would have bought something, just for comedic effect

before he hosted the show "dirty jobs", here's mike rowe hosting QVC late night. and he's now my new hero. this is the best possible job anyone can do under these situations.

whoever taped these, then saved them, then uploaded them is the greatest person on earth.

here's mike rowe doing his best to sell crap like a katsak, a lava lamp, precious moments, cherubs, noah's ark, "beauty and the beast", seagull jewelry, a creepy doll and dealing with callers.

really awesome stuff.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

how i might actually be speechless on this one

check out the new levi's ad that just premiered this week.

on one hand, i think it's one of the best made spots i've seen in a while. well directed, acted, edited and scored. the music is just perfect. kudos to bartle bogle hegarty and director ringan ledwidge. there's not anything about it that's not aesthetically dead-on.

on the other hand, i have no idea what it's about.

then again, i do know that i can't remember viewing any piece of film that seductive in a long time. it's actually setting a new standard for sex in advertising.

however, i'm not sure if that's a good thing. or the right thing. or worthy.

that being said, i'm not sure if it's gonna sell any jeans.

but one thing's for sure: it's better than anything the gap's done in ten years.

however, that's not saying much.

just like this post.

how this is a good omen for the upcoming film season

this is one of the movies i've been really looking forward to, and the first reviews of it has been glowing, although any review that says "casey affleck is a revelation" gets me scared. then again, his brother was really good in "good will hunting" and "shakespeare in love", so let's run with it.

i just read a great book about jesse james and missouri during the civil war, and it couldn't be any more fascinating. it's deep and rich and worth checking out if you have the time to get through 500 pages. but what's 500 pages when you're reading about the most famous outlaw of all time?

again, this all sounds like good stuff.

Friday, September 21, 2007

how i'm struggling to put my emotions into words

but this season is going down in an historical fiery collapse.

you can blame willie for his torre-like mismanagement of the bullpen. you can blame omar for his insane contracts given to shoeneweis and mota. you can blame duaner sanchez for not being in shape and missing the year. you can blame jose for completely screwing the pooch this final month. and you can blame delgado and loduca for completely sucking ass.

but i'm tired of blaming.

i just want to see them hold a lead for once.

is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

how i long for the old knicks

i watched the knicks from 1994 (ewing, oak, smith, starks, harper with mace, blackmon and anthony coming off the bench) take on the nets (coleman, anderson but no petrovic) in a highly-spirited and well-played game three of the NBA playoffs. really good, compelling stuff. those teams would go far in the current craptastic NBA.

it was a nice little gift, courtesy of nba tv. and a nice diversion from this isiah thomas mess, which is just the latest stab into the bloody corpse of the franchise i love. thank you, james dolan, you moron.

then again, it's not like there's been anything said in court that would quantify as a surprise. i mean, of course isiah thomas doesn't care about white season ticket holders. have you seen the team he's put out there?

how i long for 1994.

how i just got this message as an automated return

this statement was returned to me in response to an e-mail i sent out to a friend:

"Profanity Notification (Email with Profanity quarantined by US-NJ-IMSS2-1)"

here's what i think happened:


INT. A SOUNDPROOF ROOM WITH CORRUGATED STEEL.

two scientists wearing sterilized work outfits speak gingerly while staring into microscopes as different e-mails pass underneath their lenses.

SCIENTIST DAN: john, this e-mail is just a love letter. really sweet.

SCIENTIST JOHN: dan, you gotta read this e-mail. yet another nigerian trust fund scam.

SCIENTIST DAN: those never get old.

they laugh to themselves, quietly, as to not disturb anything.

suddenly, scientist dan gasps in horror. scientist john looks over, with concern.

SCIENTIST JOHN: dan?

scientist dan's face quickly becomes pale. scientist john quickly moves over and looks into scientist dan's microscope.

he sees the word "shit".

scientst john quickly stands up and presses a large button on the wall. it's an alarm. it blares loudly, over and over.

WAAH. WAAH. WAAH. WAAH.

everyone quickly moves themselves into position. armed security officers rush into the lab. a rush of cold air is released from the vents, sterilizing everyone in the general vicinity.

a security team rushes an older scientist, a very fragile man, towards the microscope. he raises his hands. suddenly, the alarms go quiet. the air shuts down. everyone stops in place.

the old scientist takes out a pair of pliers. with smooth and gentle movements, he slowly makes his way towards that word. the ends of the pliers find their way to the "t". it pulls, tenderly, then sharply. suddenly, the "shi" follows the "t" as it's raised into the air and put into an air-free container.

the security force quicks whisks the old scientist and the airless container away. as they leave, the lab returns to normal.

scientist dan and scientist john return to their microscopes. as dan begins to look down, he suddenly looks back up, where john is holding his glare.

he takes a deep breath.

SCIENTIST DAN: that was a close one.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

how i really would like to meet the people who sign up for this

there are things that sound good in theory but wind up horrible in execution.

there are things that don't sound very good in theory, but wind up not so bad when terrible.

and then there's something like this which is just...i don't really know how to describe this. i'm not even sure there are words.

i mean, the guy billed himself as "a limousine ridin', jet flyin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin' son of a gun", and he couldn't wrangle up more than $300 to build a website?

by the way, this is actually real. this is not a fake.

jesus christ.

Friday, September 14, 2007

how i have a new standard to live up to

from now to infinity, for me, the question will always be, will i ever be a mindsticker?

no, seriously, will i?

(in a related note, god bless 1970s advertisements written between cocktails and the overwhelming goodness of youtube).

how the desperate will go to any means

the new york football giants grabbed fullback madison hedgecock off the waiver wire on wednesday.

umm....madison hedgecock? wow. i didn't know that cinemax "up all nite" had a football waiver wire.

how the juice is slippery

from espn.com:

LAS VEGAS -- Investigators questioned O.J. Simpson and named him a suspect Friday in a break-in at a casino hotel room involving sports memorabilia.

The break-in was reported at the Palace Station casino late Thursday night, police spokesman Jose Montoya said. He said investigators determined the break-in involved sports collectibles.

Simpson was released after he and several associates were questioned, but he is considered a suspect in the case, Montoya said. He is believed to be in Las Vegas.

"We don't believe he's going anywhere," he said.


really, you truly don't believe he's going anywhere?

jesus christ, we have short memories in this country.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

how the nba used its vertical leap to jump about seven sharks

does anyone else notice that the nba is much more interesting off the court than anything that happens on the court?

you know, outside of lebron's game 5, yawn. but all the nasty off court stuff? terrible. but entertaining.

from kobe's eventual holdout, the horror stories from vegas, the hawks' embarrassing ownership issues, seattle having their team extorted out from their city, a continuous stream of player arrests, anucha browne sanders' testimony eviscerating isiah and stephon, the knicks hitting an all-time low and now, greg oden's microfracture surgery, the nba could not be any lower.

and i didn't even mention the tim donaghy ref scandal.

and the year's not even over yet. seriously, if you thought vegas was a mess, then consider that they've got the next all-star game coming up in new orleans.

the entire league - from players, refs, upper management, organizations, integrity to perceptions - is imploding before our eyes. what a horrible collapse it's been.

i can't wait for college hoops.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

how i just had an incredibly harrowing experience

true story, just happened:

i was walking on haight street at around 8pm, heading my way to amoeba records. i cross clayton, and as soon as i step on the sidewalk...WHAM! a huge pane of glass falls in front of me, about 13 feet away from where i'm standing.

i repeat: a huge pane of glass falls in front of me - not on top of me, but close enough.

two guys barely got out of the way, dashing underneath a nearby awning for protection. a guy stuck his head out the now glassless window, just one floor up. he was completely confused how his windowpane fell out.

i stood there, completely dumbfounded.

the glass just splattered, but basically staying in place, as if someone were putting together an almost completed jigsaw puzzle. a couple of shards happened to land by my nikes.

it was freaky, even for haight-ashbury standards.

honestly, would i have died? probably not. but the fact that i put "probably" in that statement is disturbing. completely random stuff happens, you know. just figured it would happen to someone else.

thankfully, it still hasn't happened to me yet.

holy crap.

how the internet has officially hit its nirvana

ladies and gentlemen, leave britney alone! please! right now! i mean it!

and anyone who has a problem, you deal with me. because she is not well.

Monday, September 10, 2007

how this was the only redeemable thing from a weekend worth of football

if you watched as much football as i did this weekend, you caught the amazing nikefootball spot starring shawne merriman and steven jackson about a million times. and each time, your jaw dropped.

i'd direct you to the youtube link to watch it, but trust me, the much much better version is here. the thing of it is that, after the intro, you're gonna have to click on "see more action" on bottom left to view it. yeah, it's a little work, but deal with it. you'll thank me later.

it's truly amazing. thank you, brilliant director michael mann and the intense soundtrack to "last of the mohicans".

Sunday, September 09, 2007

how it's difficult to get off the stuff that'll kill you once you get a sniff of it

from metsblog.com:

The Orioles, and O’s co-GM Jim Duquette, purchased the minor league contract of RHP Victor Zambrano from the Pittsburgh Pirates for cash considerations.

poor jim duquette. someone's gotta organize an intervention.

how i just watched britney perform at the MTV VMAs

the only thing i can equate it to is the dead guy from "weekend at bernie's". she obviously wasn't singing, and she didn't give any signs of having the ability to form those words with her lips by her own devices. she was barely moving, and when she did move, it was with the help of two men holding her up (or, rather, feeling her up). her body was bloating. and nobody in the audience could believe any of this shit.

the only difference was that "weekend at bernie's" had a much better soundtrack.

UPDATE: sarah silverman is ripping her a new one right now. bless you, sarah. the world is a better place with you commenting on it.

UPDATE YET AGAIN: here's the video of her performance. once again, i remind you, this is NOT "weekend at bernie's". trust me. i researched and analyzed it. there are subtle differences.

how i've been negligent, i know, i have

so here's some new websites created by friends that are absolutely worth checking out.

littlestern.com by tony stern, an online chronicle about the impending best day of his life.

places to go, things to do, people to meet by anthony vachris, a diary as he travels the country in an effort to find himself.

travel betty is the online tip home of tracy deluca (the former writer of howidiedtoday.blogspot.com) for things to do in san francisco and around the world, wherever she may be.

divine caroline features the bitingly hilarious rebecca brown as the head relationships writer.

and care for christine by tommy wonica has been renovated and updated with as much love and care as he's always shown.

best of all, they're great reads written by even greater people.

enjoy.

how i doubt anyone cares, but i need your quick help

i updated steveohville's portfolio page, and on the reel page, i added the nike "my game is made outside" webisodes.

the reason i'm posting this is because the coding has been giving me agida. if you have any spare time, just check it out and let me know if there's any bugs. it seems to be working on my mac. on a pc? not so much.

and let me know if there's a photo underneath "print" on the portfolio page. again, i can't tell if it works on a pc.

thanks.

how i just watched the funniest season premiere ever

if you get a chance, check out this week's season premiere of "curb your enthusiasm" entitled "meet the blacks" on hbo. it's frigging hilarious.

as if it wouldn't be.

how i'm going to make tom coughlin's world a lot easier

after watching the deplorable 45-35 loss to the cowboys sunday night, i have compiled a list for the giants to accomplish this week in preparation for the packers.

okay, here they go.

1. get eli and osi healthy. especially eli. he looked damn good out there.
2. get brandon healthy, but derrick ward looked damn good. get him ready.
3. introduce the defensive line to the concept of a pass rush.
4. introduce the linebackers to the concept of covering the tight end.
5. introduce the secondary on what a slant route is, and how to defend it.
6. introduce everyone to tackling. that would be very nice, actually.

it's just that simple. now get on it, big blue.

i'd list everything that the university of michigan needs to do to get ready for notre dame, but i'm positive that blogger.com doesn't have the bandwith to handle it.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

how indiana university is on the cutting edge of the blatantly obvious

after coming up with this earthshattering discovery, one that dwarfs magnetic resonance imaging and gravity, one can only wonder what these geniuses will come up with next.

perhaps a study on the etymology of this word.

how i can't believe i'm about to type this

but here's a funny commercial for stanley steemer, of all things.

i guess there's hope for the rest of us hacks.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

how the world is much funnier with videotape

the best parts of having almost everything recorded is how staggering hypocritical every blowhard in this country is.

we're talking politicians, executives, reverends and the like, people who comport themselves as above everyone else, and who can't resist the urge to make themselves look like an ass.

thank you, videotape. you are the great equalizer. your proof is my joy.

it happens everyday.

i'm sure you've seen this, but here's the ultra creepy senator larry craig interview on "hardball" from about ten years ago, condemning that "naughty boy" bill clinton.

his words, not mine.

so gay.

chris matthews' gaze at the end says it all.