how i can't believe it's been four years

hi mom.

it's been four years since you've been taken away from us. it really sucks. i don't know what i would have thought it would have been, but it really sucks, mostly because i see my kids, your grandsons, and realize how much they're missing without you in their lives.

wyatt's just a rock star. literally. he was a drummer in a band called "death explosion death" and a lead singer in a band called "reeeed" which is pronounced "red" but with four e's. anyways, he's a natural. you'd love the music that rockbandland makes with him in the group. it's right up your alley. you'd be his biggest fan and supporter, which is weird to say considering that lisa and i are his biggest supporters. but you know. you'd be right there with us.

and luke's really coming into his own. your heart just melts when he smiles his full teethy smiles, and mom, you were always the best at making us smile and laugh. he would have just been all over you and begging for more.

it kills me that the boys are missing out. it really does.

lisa and i are doing really well as husband and wife and father and mother. you'd be proud of us. things are tight around here and we're trying to be smart about it. i keep on making stupid mistakes - nothing major, but avoidable and harmless - and she's got such patience with me. she's the best thing that ever happened to me. and it warms me that you both got to spend some time together. she thinks about you a lot. that means so much to me.

i missed a bunch of things with you this year. wyatt doing gangnam style, for one. hilarious. (it's been months and i still can't figure out wtf that was).


and i think you would have liked "louie" - or, at least, you would have if you gave it a chance. seriously. you would have.


you would have loved bruno mars. wyatt loves him too, and i'll admit, i think he's good too. he's got a really cool old-school vibe to him.


we would not have stopped quoting from "21 jump street". this movie was right up your alley.


and there's countless other moments that happened when i wish you were still around so i could call you up and tell you about and watch you not be able to control your laughter.

but that's life, or what's become of it. i'm doing my best. i really am. i'm trying to make you proud. sometimes i might not be successful, but my heart's in the right place.

i miss you.

love you always,

your son

how i can't believe it's been three years

hi mom.

it's been three years since you were taken from us. nothing's been the same. things have just been radically different.

i miss you more than words can convey.

so much has happened that i wish you could have been a part of. wyatt's growing up to be a boy you'd be so proud of. he's such an amazing kid, the right balance of sweet and devilishness that never fails to warm you up and he's proving to be the ideal big brother. luke loves him like none other. and it's vice versa. they're gonna be such great pals.

each day, luke does something new that i imagine puts a smile on your face. but at the same time, it pains me that he never got a chance to meet you. in fact, you not being here anymore is such a void in them that they'll never fully realize. lisa and i really feel that deeply. that's why i load up their music cds with songs and bands that you loved. if they can't get to know you, they can get to know what you loved. it's something of yours i can give to them on a daily basis.

i wish you could have gotten to know lisa so much more than you did. she's truly everything i've ever wanted in a partner, and you'd be so proud of her, the way she's grown up to be a mother and wife that everyone admires, including you. she was worth the wait and your paranoia.

as for me, i'm trying. i really am. it's difficult supporting my family financially and emotionally and being there for them. right now, at this moment, i'm doing great, but i fear the repercussions when work picks back up. i'm taking care of myself by staying healthy, eating great and running strong. and the kids definitely keep me busy. but, when you strip it all down, all i want to be is a dad and a husband. everything else is just extra. and that's when i'm at my happiest.

we don't go to your bench as much as we'd like to, although it's not from a lack of thought. it's always on my mind to go. you know how it goes with kids and a house. there's just no shortage of restraints on our time. when we do go there, it's magical, and i can really feel you there.

and there's so much we would have shared together this past year, like all the most disgusting scenes from "bridesmaids".


you would have worn out adele's album. i know this because i did.


and you wouldn't have been able to control yourself from laughing about this. i would have found a way to keep sending this to you to keep your giggles going.

that's about it. i wish i can say life is perfect, but the fact that i'm writing this ensures that it isn't. but i'm doing the best with what i've got, we've been doing the best with it, and i hope you're proud of the effort.

love you always.

your son.

how yesterday i became a daddy again

they say that there's nothing more challenging than having a second kid, that there's a big difference from playing zone to going man-to-man.

i say bring it on.

hello, luke.

how i can't believe it's been two years

i miss you, mom.

it's not getting easier, but it's just getting so much different that life is just resembling something else entirely. don't confuse that with missing you less. that's not it at all.

i've evolved to the point where i've accepted this fate, and it sucks.

it sucks.

i just wish you were here to enjoy the life we're making for ourselves.

love you.

your son.

how we'll never forget Hawaii

Our trip to Hawaii will be one we'll never forget. However, just in case, here's my blog postings about it.

Day One
Day Two
Day Three
Day Four
Day Five
Day Six
Day Seven

how we have one last morning

We don't want to leave Hawaii. It's been a paradise, not just for the setting but for the amazing time the three of us have spent here.

But still, reality awaits 2,000 miles away, and we need to return. But first, a final goodbye.

We woke up early to have one last meal at the Wialana Coffee House to have a final serving of the best pancakes ever.

Then we walked down to say goodbye to the pigeons.

And then, a final goodbye to the parrots.

And then, not only a final goodbye to the koi, but a big hug from Wyatt.



Then we walked down to the pier and said goodbye to the fishies that he swam with.

And, as if on cue, we looked out, and guess what we saw.



Goodbye, Hawaii.

Mahalo.

how we're leaving Hawaii with a great taste in our mouths

Today was our last full day.

And with our daily schedules changed over the weekend, it was time to get back on it.

So we headed back to the beach, playing the game where I stand in the ocean, with the water as high as Wyatt’s neck, and he runs to me from the shore and back again. That never gets old, even though what was new was the slight rainfall and slightly brisk weather. WTF, Hawaii. Indeed. WTF.

But the sun suddenly peaked out and the rain dried up, so much so that it gave us a chance to do something we wanted - renew our vows. I researched getting time at the chapel from the resort. It would have cost us $750 for a 60 minute ceremony.

But to me, all the pieces I wanted were right here right now - Hot Mama, Wyatt, Hawaii and a break in the weather.

So while sitting on the beach, with the waves crashing behind us and with Wyatt building sand castles, I took her hand and told her these words once again:

I, Steve, take you, Lisa,
To be my lawfully wedded wife,
To love and honor,
To respect and cherish,
To offer undying loyalty and endless sacrifice.
And I dedicate my life
To be an exceptional husband,
A responsible and caring parent
And forever your best friend.
I promise all of these to you unconditionally
With every breath I take.

Perfect. And free.

But then again, perfect turned to slightly unpleasant – enough so that we decided to take our talents to the pool. Wyatt and I jumped in and he rode the horsie, but it wasn’t as much fun in slightly colder weather (and slightly colder water).

And once we left the pool, we got rained on again. But it was time for a nap anyways, so it kinda worked for us.

Especially when you consider that it was a three hour nap.

Sweet.

We woke up in time to eat. Hot Mama and I decided to save our gift cards for an amazing dinner at the end of our vacation. Of course, I wanted a steak house. I would have settled for a posh restaurant.

Our concierge recommended The Cheesecake Factory.

Really?

Luckily, Hot Mama is still hip, and she knew, somehow, that Ian Schrager just opened up a restaurant in Waikiki, and that we should find it and eat there. And we did, in the rain, find standing tall and lit, Morimoto, owned and operated by an Iron Chef and residing in the Edition. Awesome.

We cashed in our Visa Gift Cards and decided to eat the Chef’s Choice, a seven serving tasting menu daily created by the Iron Chef himself.

Here’s what we ate, I think:

We began with tartar served into our mouths with tiny little shovels

That was followed with hot oiled seared sashimi with carpaccio and amberjack.

Then we had something called bagnacauda, which is Italian for "hot bath", which is olive oil heated in a porcelain jar that you dip vegetatbles and chicken in,

That was followed with chawanmushi, which is egg custard flavored with foie gras and Hudson valley duck breast.

At that point, we had an intermezzo called Kombu chai to clean the palate. It’s a tea that tastes like saltwater. Doesn’t sound delicious, but it was.

We then had five pieces of sushi, my favorite being the thai japanese red snapper.

This led up to the main dish, the surf and turf - Wagyu beef, lobster with a strong hint of garlic and peanut pork loin

We ended with soy milk pennecotta which tasted just like creme brulee, followed by a piece of pumpkin pie and gelato.

And throughout, I drank a glass of Martin Ray 2007 Pinot Noir from the Russian River.

There will always be meals we remember for various reasons. Some because of what they signified. Some because of where they were. Others because of how they tasted.

This meal will be remembered for all of them.

And Wyatt was a perfect angel throughout.

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Read Day Seven